NASCAR officials are reportedly close to a deal with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Danica Patrick in which the circuit’s two most popular names will engage in intercourse in order to achieve a NASCAR “super baby.”
“We just have to iron out the final details,” said a NASCAR source. “Whose sponsors the baby will have, which races Junior will drive with the baby strapped in the car, and which races Danica will get. That sort of thing. But when the deal is finished and they conceive, it’s going to be huge.”
Both Earnhardt, Jr. and Patrick are in existing relationships, but Kenny Dubser, NASCAR’s Director of Marketing, says both drivers will set those aside for one night of business-related passion.
“Danica and Dale are committed to doing what is best for the sport,” said Dubser, “and they’re in relationships in which their partners accept that. This baby will be for the fans. Danica and Junior can go right back with their partners after the sperm meets the egg, never to have sex again until we need the buzz of a second baby.”
Tentatively named Dalenica, the baby will be conceived live on television on a sponsored mattress, in sponsored sheets and surrounded by sponsored candles and flowers. Once born, the baby will be outfitted in sponsored diapers and onesies and will only play with toys provided by sponsors.
“This baby’s entire existence will be thanks to our corporate sponsors,” said Dubser. “It’s pretty exciting.”
NASCAR has seen ratings and attendance decline in recent years, but news of the planned Dalenica baby immediately lit up racing websites, radio shows and social media. Just minutes after the news went public, “Dalenica” and “F###ingIsRacing” were trending on Twitter.
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