1. Let’s see some hustle out there.
2. Give the pitchers a 24-second “shot clock,” but instead call it a “pitch clock” because
there is no shooting in baseball and a shot clock would probably confuse everyone.
3. Allow only one visit to the mound per game, and only then if the dugout catches on fire or if there is a bee attack.
4. Require players to round the bases on home runs at super-fast old-timey speed like in 1920s films of Babe Ruth.
5. Play the game normally until the 7th inning stretch, then put a 5-minute clock on each half-inning
after that because few people really care about the game once beer sales are over.
6. End the games after six innings since six innings is all that starting pitchers nowadays
are man enough to pitch anyway. (This idea submitted by your dad.)
7. Inform the Yankees and Red Sox that everyone got sick of their rivalry a good five
years ago, so cut the shit, stop pretending that the fate of the world hinges on
every pitch and finish up their overwrought games in three hours or less.
8. Fine batters every time they are late on a fastball.
9. Don’t let pitchers shake off more than one sign. It slows the game down, plus it probably hurts their catcher’s
feelings. He’s trying to give his best suggestions and the pitcher is just like “No, no, no, no”? It’s really rude.
10. Allow fans to throw projectiles at the players and umpires once the game hits 3 hours, 1 second.
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