Golf is extremely expensive and playing it will make you frustrated and miserable. Sometimes you’ll hit a great shot and you’ll be like: “I got this!” But then you’ll go right back to sucking, that brief glimpse of competence now mocking your sustained failure. It’s best to just never start playing golf. If you want to be frustrated and miserable, you have your normal every day life. And that’s free.
2. Buy Some Brand New Clubs
Still here? Well, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Whatever is new and has a big display for it at the golf shop is the clubs you should get. They’ll be the latest “must-have” clubs everyone is getting. You should get these clubs because then you’ll know you have top-of-the-line equipment. And then you won’t be able to blame your clubs on all of the sucking that you’re about to do on the course. You’ll know every mistake is 100-percent on good-for-nothing you. It’s freeing, in a way.
3. Go to the Driving Range
The best way to improve at golf is to spend hours at the driving range refining your swing. However, as a beginner, you don’t really have a swing to refine yet. Instead, use your God-awful swing to just try to hit the guy in the golf-ball-picker-upper tractor for a while. A direct hit is the closest thing people who suck at golf will ever feel to winning a major.
4. Grip the Club Properly
Don’t grip the club like a baseball bat. That’s a thing everyone says to beginning golfers, so it needs to be said here, too. Also, wear a golf glove, not a baseball glove. “Why would I wear a baseball glove?” you might ask. I don’t know. You were just gripping the club like a baseball bat. How am I supposed to know exactly where you land on the scale of stupidity?
5. Take a Practice Swing
Take a full practice swing and visualize in your mind the ball’s flight and where it will land. Visualize it really really really good because this imaginary part is as good as it’s going to get. It’s all downhill from here.
6. Clear Your Mind or Have Minimal Swing Thoughts
When you address the ball and are about to swing, you don’t want to have your head full of all kinds of distracting thoughts. It’s best to clear your mind and let your instincts take over OR just have a few basic swing reminders in your head. Unfortunately, you’re going to find yourself thinking about not thinking too much, which will mean you’re thinking too much. You’re completely screwed.
Take the club back and swing. Don’t worry too much about having a “textbook” swing. Everyone has a swing that’s unique and natural to them. For example, Jim Furyk has a very unorthodox swing and he’s one of the best golfers in the world. Granted, that is a unique story. Your swing will most likely look horrible AND produce horrible results. But you get the point.
8. Follow Through
After impact, make a nice, high follow through, just as you see the pros do. This both looks good and promotes a full, smooth swing. While you’re looking like a pro, in your head have an imaginary gallery yell things like “YOU DA MAN!,” “GET IN THE HOLE!” and “MASHED POTATOES!” Also, there’s this really hot girl in your gallery who keeps making eyes at you. You should ask your caddy to get her number. You’re a star!
9. Follow the Flight of the Ball
Snap out of it and see where your shot is going. Look close to the ground and far off to the right or left. Yell “FORE!,” curse or apologize to those around you, whichever is most appropriate for the situation. Note: sometimes yelling “FORE!,” cursing and apologizing to those around you is necessary.
10. Begin Thinking About the Next Shot
After ignoring the initial warning, by this time you may have realized that this is a hopeless endeavor. Think if you even want there to be a next shot. If you don’t, you still might be able to return those expensive clubs you bought. You only hit one ball with them. The store will have to understand. No doubt people are quitting golf all the time. It’s soul-crushing.
However, if you DO want there to be a next shot, if you feel the need to get out of your house for five hours at a time a few times a week to do a sport that has no running or jumping and can include alcohol and smoking, then sure: keep at it. Golf is the best for that. Other sports like basketball and tennis are exhausting and they only get you an hour or two of freedom. Who needs that? You’re a golfer now. Congratulations. Embrace the misery. So what club do you think you should use for the next shot?
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