NSA employee Stave Burkman was filling another day at work yesterday listening to the phone calls of American citizens when he decided to look up LeBron James’ cell number. Minutes later, Burkman heard James tell his agent, Rich Paul, that he will accept a contract to play with the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Burkman immediately told some of his co-workers, but said he would much rather tell his friends outside the NSA that he has the biggest scoop in sports.
“This job is pretty awesome because you can just listen to the phone calls of whoever you want whenever you want,” he said. “But the huge downside is that you can’t tell everyone what you know. No one has any idea how much cool shit I know.”
After listening in on James, Burkman spent time listening to Pat Riley’s calls: “It’s hilarious how clueless he is,” said the 26 year-old NSA worker. “He was telling people he’s confident LeBron will re-sign. I almost want to give him an anonymous call telling him to go hard after Carmelo Anthony or he’s going to be stuck with a team whose best player is Josh McRoberts.”
Burkman finished up his shift at the Fort Meade, Maryland, facility by listening to his old girlfriend’s phone calls and then flagging her new boyfriend, Brad, for possible terrorist activity.
“Hopefully Brad will get locked away so long he’ll miss LeBron’s entire second tenure in Cleveland,” he said.
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