“Before I get started, let me just say: Jesus Christ, you people are pathetic,” Saban spit out of his mouth, glaring down at the horde gathered beneath him. “You know I just coach football, right? It’s a sport. It’s a goddam game. It really means nothing at the end of the day. I try my damnedest to coach it the best I can, but that’s my thing. That’s my job. You people … jeez. You’re just, like, hangers-on. Parasites. I honestly couldn’t respect you less for being here. There’s so much more important in the world and you’re here. Says a lot about you, don’t you think?”
Saban then stopped talking, took a slow drink from a bottle of water, and continued staring down at the crowd, shaking his head.
“Coach,” a reporter piped up. “With the loss of A.J. McCarro- …” he said, before being cut off.
“Hold up, you pathetic piece of shit,” said Saban. “Who said I was done talking? If you truly have nothing better in your life to do than come here and listen to football coaches talk, let me talk. I mean, you know there actually isn’t any football being played here this week, don’t you? At least if there was some real football, you all could be here for that and watch the kids give their all out there. But you’re just here to listen to us talk about basically nothing and answer your pointless questions. Is this really how you wanted your life to turn out? Asking someone you don’t know how his amateur football team will fare with a different player at a position? How does it affect you in any way? You’re not on the team. Why does it matter to you?”
“Well,” said the reporter. “I … uh … well, my readers …” he began, only to then get cut off again.
“Whoa there, chief,” said Saban. “I don’t honestly care. You thought I honestly care? This is what I’m getting at: I don’t give a shit about you or your daily decisions, so why do you care about mine? I would rather get buried alive than have to follow you around asking you questions about your job. Have some dignity, okay? Do something with your life.”
Saban then looked across the room several times, muttering and shaking his head.
“If I left this room and then they locked the door and set the place on fire, the world would be a better place,” he said. “That’s a fact. Deny it, and you’re lying to yourselves.”
The coach then took another swig from his water bottle.
“Okay, who has questions about the 2014 Alabama Crimson Tide football team.”
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