Representatives of the Maryland and Rutgers athletic departments were seen crying and running from the opening of Big Ten media days this morning when they discovered that their supposed membership into the conference was all a cruel prank by Big Ten members to make them think they were desired and popular.
“You idiots! No one likes you! You’re pathetic,” Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said to the schools’ head football coaches when they asked him where their tables were at media days. “You morons! We never wanted you. You’re not in our conference! Why would any sports conference want you? How stupid could you be?”
Maryland’s Randy Edsall and Rutgers’ Kyle Flood stood silent for several moments before Flood finally stammered: “But … but … our media markets. You said you loved our media markets. Is this for real?”
“Hell, yeah, this is real. Your media markets?” sneered Delany, as Big Ten coaches gathered around, pointing and laughing at Edsall and Flood and knocking their playbooks out of their hands. “Who cares about your media markets. No one in New York gives a crap about Rutgers and no one in DC cares about Maryland. Why? Because you both suck ass. At football. At basketball. At everything. No one wants you!”
Flood then burst into tears and ran to the bathroom.
Edsall stood in place, extended his hand and with a smile said: “So you are my new friends?”
“Jeez. You’re even dumber than I expected,” said Delany. “Don’t you get it, guy? We don’t want to be your friends! No one does! You and your school suck.”
Michigan head coach Brady Hoke then gave Edsall a wedgie and pushed him to the ground. The rest of the Big Ten coaches laughed and high-fived and swigged from cans of beer.
Except one coach, that is. Indiana head football coach Kevin Wilson stood off to the side, looking forlorn.
“I kind of wanted Maryland and Rutgers in the conference,” he said. “I wanted some more teams like ours. I’m sick of being the coach everyone picks on.”
As he said that, Ohio State head coach Urban Meyer strolled by.
“Who are you talking to Dildoson?” he said, jabbing Wilson in the kidney. “Ha! Dildoson. Guys! I just called Wilson ‘Dildoson!'”
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