A’s to Give Jon Lester Prized Locker Farthest Away from Raw Sewage

sewageThe Oakland A’s have acquired a new ace in Jon Lester and they are prepared to treat him with the respect he’s earned throughout his career.

“When Jon arrives, he’ll be getting our best locker, the one over in the corner there on slightly higher ground. The one that gets the least amount of sewage around it,” said A’s manager Bob Melvin. “We want to make him feel welcome and have him wade through as little urine and feces as possible.”

The dilapidated O.co Coliseum has repeatedly faced sewage backup problems in recent years, but the A’s want human waste to be the last thing on Lester’s mind when he enters the locker room.

“It might smell like shit in here,” said A’s general manager Billy Beane. “And I mean, really really strongly like shit. There’s no way to get rid of the smell. We’ve tried everything, trust me. But we want him focusing on a championship, not thinking ‘Oh, God. What is that smell?'”

Lester will be presented with a pair of A’s logoed fishing boots and a nose plug at a press event upon arriving at the stadium. But the pitcher says he won’t need them.

“I’m a veteran. I’ve been to Oakland before,” he said. “I put trash bags over my shoes with rubber bands as soon as the plane lands at the airport.”

The locker Lester will inhabit is the one former occupied by Yoenis Cespedes, who insisted on it upon joining the A’s: “I didn’t leave Cuba to work in 3rd world conditions,” he told Beane.

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