Donald Sterling Distraught Over Missing Free Agency: “I always enjoyed bidding on black men”

SterlingLos Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling is reportedly really feeling the sting of his NBA ban with the start of the league’s free agency period, the part of the NBA calendar he always loved the most.

“This is the hardest day yet,” Sterling told an associate this morning. “Free agency was really the whole reason I got into the NBA in the first place. You have no idea the joy it gave me to survey a bunch of black men and then offer up a price for their services. NBA free agency is the last remnants of what made America great.”

Sterling said that if he was still running the day-to-day operations of the Clippers, he would make a bid on LeBron James of $400 a year.

“He’s tall and muscular,” said Sterling. “He could be helpful in getting things down off of high shelves for me and I would also let him be my driver. People say I’m racist, but I’m happy to be seen with a black chauffeur.”

Despite not being active in the NBA, Sterling is still making calls about players.

“No one will call me back,” he said. “I heard from Cole Aldrich’s agent. He says Cole will take anything, or even work without pay as long as shelter and food are provided. I’m not interested.”

Sterling then had to excuse himself to cough up another chunk of his rotting soul.

“Excuse me. Almost have it all out,” he said.

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