Dolphins Re-Sign Richie Incognito to Help Them Haze Rookies

incognThe Dolphins have re-signed controversial guard Richie Incognito so the veteran bully can help them keep the team’s draft picks and rookie free agents in line during training camp. 

“I’m not going to stand here and pretend that we haven’t had some issues with Richie in the past,” said head coach Joe Philbin. “That said, it’s not fair to say that Richie doesn’t provide a team with any positives. And, in fact, when it comes to rookie hazing in training camp, which is an important part of NFL player initiation, I can’t imagine a player I’d want on my team more.”

Incognito says he is excited for the opportunity.

“I know this may be my last shot in the NFL,” he said. “And as much as I am focused on the task at hand of humiliating all of the Dolphins rookies, I also would love to earn my spot on this team after training camp ends. I can still play in this league. And, more importantly, bullying needs to last all season or these pieces of shit know it’s clear sailing for them once the season starts. That makes them soft.”

Incognito says his time away from the game has given him time to clear his head.

“I’m a better man now,” he said. “I was in a rut of using the same old hazing and bullying tactics. But I’ve had time to come up with a lot of new things these little dickheads will never anticipate. You have no idea. I thought of some totally sick shit. And if I’m allowed to install my whole program, I might be able to get them all to quit football by the second week of camp. It will be awesome.”

Miami first round pick Ja’Wuan James says he isn’t too worried about dealing with Incognito.

“He’s a veteran player and I’m sure I can learn a lot from him,” said James.

“What a pussy thing to say,” said Incognito when told of the rookie’s comment. “I’m going to destroy him.”

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