If Other U.S. Pro Athletes Played Soccer … the U.S. Team Would be Horrible

Goalie

LeBron James

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Goalies are usually the tallest players on the field, but at 6-foot-8, LeBron would be too tall for the position. He would get beaten easily on low shots. Plus, his proclivity to cramp up in hot, humid conditions would make him a liability in most every outdoor sport. We’ve also never seen LeBron try to kick a ball. Kicking simply may not be a skill that he has. LeBron would no doubt be a terrible soccer goalie.

Defense

Eli Manning

eliEli Manning has had his accomplishments in American football, winning two Super Bowls, and is tall at 6-foot-5, but he is not particularly athletic and would no doubt get routinely crossed up on a soccer field, and trip and fall again and again. Also, his habit of making mental mistakes and turnovers would be even more lethal on a soccer field in close to his own team’s goal.

Adam Dunn

dunnAdam Dunn will end his career with more than 500 home runs — the primary benchmark for power hitting in baseball. Dunn is also 6-foot-6. Size and power are great in soccer … but at nearly 300 pounds, Dunn would struggle to be agile enough to be even decent at soccer. Let’s also not forget how often he swings and misses. Whiff on a kick in the back line in soccer and your team is pretty much doomed. Dunn would simply be awful and should be kept as far away from the pitch as possible.

Michael Phelps

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Phelps is in outstanding shape and stands 6-foot-4. And he knows how to win. He’d be a fantastic soccer player, right? Wrong. Very wrong. Read up on Phelps’ background. The only reason he got into swimming is because he was terrible at all the “traditional” sports in his youth. True story. He can swim and swim only.

Richard Sherman

140121_SNUT_RichardSherman.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlargeRichard Sherman is big, strong, fast, agile and competitive. All these are reasons he is a good cornerback. Yet despite all of those attributes, he was a lousy wide receiver. It’s true. Stanford switched him from wide receiver to defensive back. If he sucked playing football with his hands, why would he be coordinated enough with his feet to be a world-class soccer player? He simply wouldn’t be. He would suck at soccer. Really, really suck.

Midfield

Andrew McCutchen

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Andrew McCutchen is the perfect size for a soccer player, he is also fast, powerful and coordinated. However, for whatever reason, he didn’t play soccer growing up. He played baseball and football. It’s easy for anyone to play soccer as a kid. Every community has a soccer program. But he didn’t play it. Why? Probably because he didn’t like soccer much. He liked football … but he loved baseball and that’s why he stopped playing football. Anyway, this is a long way to say that no one would be very good at a sport they don’t love. Andrew McCutchen only loves baseball. And that’s the only sport he’s really good at. Kind of like how Tony Parker, who grew up in France, decided to play basketball instead of soccer. It’s not a big deal. It happens in every country. Athletes play different sports. Que sera.

Prince Fielder

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Prince Fielder is way too heavy to be a good soccer player. He’s pushing 300 pounds on a 6-foot frame. Soccer players run more than 7 miles in a game, while Fielder is a first baseman who only has 18 steals and 10 triples in a 10-year career. Most games he probably doesn’t run more than 1/10th of a mile. Tragically, he might die during a soccer match.

Phil Mickelson 

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One of the better golfers of his generation, but I feel it’s unlikely that those golf skills translate well to soccer. Would also like struggle with his fitness.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. 

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The necessity to make quick decisions in NASCAR would serve Earnhardt well in soccer. But he sits down the entire time he competes. It’s really a bit of a stretch to say he’d be a good soccer player.

Forwards

California Chrome

chromeLighting fast, not a player on the field would be able to keep up with California Chrome. That said, can a horse be taught to play soccer? And let’s not forget we’d be one violent slide tackle on Chrome away from maybe having to put him down on the field. It’s hard for even the most talented soccer team to come back from seeing a teammate have his head blown off.

Derrick Rose

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If Rose could stay healthy, he would probably actually be a good soccer player. It’s unfortunate that he’s unable to stay healthy.

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Also see … 

The Worst Cleavage Pics of Hot World Cup WAGs

Flowchart: Which U.S. Soccer Player Are You?

SP’s 2014 FIFA World Cup page

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