Steve Abstaining from Sex During Fantasy Season Again

Your friend Steve is abstaining from sex for yet another fantasy sports season, keeping up a tradition of his that dates back years.

“I’ll admit: I take fantasy sports pretty seriously,” says Steve. “I want to do my best, and a lot of times there is real money on the line. So, yeah, I don’t want anything to get in the way or cause me to lose my focus. Sex is great, but fantasy season is not the time for it. I can wait.”

Steve participates in two fantasy baseball leagues, three football leagues, a hockey league, a basketball league and a golf league, and will also have a World Cup fantasy team. He has had at least two fantasy teams in operation year-round since the year 2000.

“He doesn’t really have much else going on,” said a friend. “But, in fairness, he does pretty well. Better than most, I think. Above-average. I don’t know, he sometimes places in the money. But, again, he takes it pretty seriously.”

Steve says he is not willing to let sex get in the way right now.

“I’ve seen how women distract people in lots of movies,” says Steve. “And guys in my leagues are always forgetting to set their lineups and respond to trades. Most of them have girlfriends or wives. If they weren’t having sex all the time, maybe they could respond to my trade request for Charlie Morton. I mean, do you guys want to play fantasy sports or not? It’s disrespectful.”

A league mate said he doesn’t completely buy Steve’s insistence that he’s purposely avoiding sex.

“I know he’s had a date during fantasy season before,” he said. “I set Steve up with a co-worker a few years back. It didn’t go well. She said he was really awkward and didn’t have much to talk about other than asking her if she played fantasy sports. At the end of the night he grabbed her butt and said she was ‘hotter than Chase Utley in May.’ They didn’t go out again.”

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