Pentagon Unveils Plans for New $390 Million T-Shirt Cannon

13.03.20-PentagonU.S. Department of Defense Officials today announced plans for a new $390 million t-shirt cannon that “will take t-shirt launching into the next generation,” said Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel.

“Current t-shirt cannon technology can only launch t-shirts into the upper deck,” said Hagel. “Most can’t even do that. Our new cannon will be able to send free t-shirts to other continents.”

The announcement by the Pentagon comes just weeks after it was revealed that Russia has perfected gun technology that launches stadium food other than hot dogs.

“Hot dogs, hamburgers, cheesesteaks, bowls of borscht, the new Russian guns can launch them all accurately and without significant damage to the food,” reported the New York Times. “The exact battlefield implications of this are not quite clear, but it is no less impressive.”

Hagel says the military uses for the intercontinental t-shirt cannons are top secret.

“There are several defense uses, but it can also be a tool for us in diplomacy,” he said. “It’s impossible to hate a country that shoots your village with free t-shirts.”

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