Jurgen Klinsmann Finalizes List of Comedians for “The Roast of the US Soccer Team”

jurU.S Men’s National Team head coach Jurgen Klinsmann says he has finished booking all the comedians who will roast his team on the night before their first match of the World Cup.

“I tell my players all the time how they suck and how badly they will fail,” said Klinsmann. “I think almost too much to the point that they’re tuning me out now. It’s time to bring in some new voices to remind them how awful they are.”

Klinsmann has booked, among other comedians, Jeffrey Ross, Lisa Lampanelli and Anthony Jeselnik.

“Mr. Ross says he has some material on how soccer is gay and the U.S. team is the gayest of all the soccer teams,” said Klinsmann. “Ms. Lampanelli said she has information on how the team is worthless, except for the black players on the team for wanting to have sex with her because she is generously proportioned, I believe is the joke. And Mr. Jeselnik said he was going to make fun of the Holocaust because of the Germans on the team. I prefer they talk more specifically about how each of my players are inferior to the opponents, but I will accept any negativity.”

Klinsmann will MC the event and also plants to participate in the roasting.

“I have some good ones I will share,” he said. “For example: Why did the American footballer cross the Autobahn? He did not cross the Autobahn because American footballers are slow and always fail.”

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Also see … 

10 Soccer Terms Every Sports Fan Must Know to Understand the World Cup

USMNT’s New “One Nation One Team” Slogans

SP’s 2014 FIFA World Cup page