FIFA Officials Discover Dozens of Gnawed-Off Body Parts in Luis Suarez’s Locker

suarezFIFA officials looking into Luis Suarez’s latest biting incident in Uruguay’s final World Cup group match against Italy on Tuesday quickly uncovered “dozens” of chewed up body parts in the striker’s locker.

“I went to speak to Luis about the incident and noticed a strong odor coming from the closed footlocker above where he was sitting,” said Oscar Medina, a FIFA official. “I then observed some blood dripping from the bottom of the door. I immediately opened it and … it was not the sort of scene I ever expected to have to view in football.”

Upon seeing Medina’s horrified face, Suarez immediately dropped to the ground and began clutching his knee: “Help! I’m injured! No time to look in there! Help me!”

After the official composed himself, he took a closer look into the locker to see what he described as “various chunks of gnawed-off human flesh. Some with bits of football kits attached to them, others having no distinguishing marks at all.”

“What? What is this? You’re a monster!” exclaimed Medina.

“Whaaaat? Hey, that stuff isn’t mine,” said Suarez, still laying on the floor, and taking the ankle of a passing staff member out of his mouth to talk. “I don’t know how all those morsels of human flesh got in there.”

The FIFA official then called in some of his colleagues to survey the scene and take pictures. Suarez was led away to speak more with investigators. As he walked off, the soccer star was seen shaking a human ear and a few fingers out of his shorts onto the floor.

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Also see … 

If U.S. Pro Athletes Played Soccer … the U.S. Team Would be Horrible

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SP’s 2014 FIFA World Cup page

(photo via)