10 Keys to the U.S. Beating Germany

Take a lead and then don’t blow it with, like, 8 seconds left in the match like a bunch of stupid idiots.

2. Consider getting a German coach and a few German players who know how Germans think, and then use that knowledge to exploit them.

3. Convince Messi and Neymar to become U.S. citizens by telling them about freedom, bald eagles and buffet restaurants.

4. Make fun of umlauts so mercilessly that the Germans run off the field söbbing and qüit. 

5. Remind themselves that Landon Donovan will never shut up about how awesome he is if they don’t make it out of the group.

6. Hold a gun to David Hasselhoff’s head on the sidelines until the final whistle blows with the U.S. on top.

7. Regularly remind the German players of the generosity the U.S. showed after World War II with the Marshall Plan, and how granting the U.S. at least a tie would be a simple way to say thank you.

8. Take big bites out of their players when the refs aren’t looking.

9. Dwarf Germany’s bribe to the FIFA refs.

10. Remember that Germany is from the same pathetic soccer continent that produced Spain, Italy and England, and just go out there and beat them handily.

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Also see … 

World Cup Pickup Lines

The Worst Cleavage Pics of Hot World Cup WAGs

SP’s 2014 FIFA World Cup page