A sports team had a productive trip to the children’s hospital yesterday. Several players posted pictures of the exercise, which was carefully planned out by a half-dozen consultants for weeks in advance, on Twitter and Instagram. The kids, who were surprised and elated by the visit, also shared photos, which were promptly re-tweeted by the athletes and their team. Even the characteristically sullen and joyless coach could be seen cracking a smile.
Almost immediately, the photos were widely circulated into the uplifting corners of the blogosphere. By the end of the day, they’d been picked up by dozens of media outlets. “This was a perfect post for us because it captured the true essence of human emotions,” said prolific aggregator Ford Wing, who did not bother to learn any of the children’s names or afflictions. “We knew right away that this would resonate with our audience.”
The team also made sure to alert local news outlets in order to maximize the goodwill. Three stations sent camera crews and producers, who asked the hospital to alert them about which kids “looked the most sick”, ran an embeddable feature in which a reporter spoke in a grievous, empathetic tone with soft piano music in the background, and urged players to strike up texting relationships with “cancer” children so they could return to the story well.
Marketing expert D. Aaron Nobel applauded the front office for orchestrating the event. “Community service can buy equity against future missteps,” he noted. “Take Russell Wilson. He’s made numerous children’s hospital visits — too many to count — and broadcasted them accordingly. Consequently, he was able to file for divorce from his wife — an action that severely violates his conspicuous Christianity — in a statement through his team, shortly before he’s due for a lucrative contract extension at more than 25 times his current annual salary. Few dared to publicly question his motives.”
“This team couldn’t have pulled the visits off any better to serve their own interests,” Nobel continued. “The strategies also work seamlessly for high school students who need a date to prom. Anyone who does good deeds without broadcasting them to the world is missing a tremendous opportunity.”
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