ESPN reporter Ed Werder filed an exclusive report for the network today in which he said he picked through a pile of Johnny Manziel’s fecal waste to see if there was anything to learn about the controversial draft prospect.
“I can report,” said Werder, his face and hands streaked brown, “that there was nothing particularly abnormal in the feces I picked through. I examined every part, kneading and sifting it with my fingers, and it just seemed to be normal, you know, poop. I can’t speak for other Manziel bowel movements, but I can exclusively report that in this particular deposit, there was nothing that necessarily helps or hurts his draft stock.”
Werder was doing a story on the former Texas A&M quarterback as part of the network’s all-encompassing coverage of Manziel in the lead up to the draft. After seeing Manziel exit the bathroom in the hotel lobby, Werder went inside and found a fresh mound of excrement in a stall toilet.
“Great journalists go where others might not go,” said Werder after his report. “I didn’t even hesitate. If you have a chance to look through Johnny Manziel’s stool, you do it. This is the biggest name in football right now.”
Werder did admit that he can’t be sure the feces he picked through was actually Manziel’s.
“Yes, that’s my one regret in the whole thing,” he said, as a large chunk of fecal matter fell of his lapel to the floor. “I can’t say for sure that Johnny was in the bathroom taking a No. 2 and, if he even was, that the stall I went into was his. He may have just urinated. He may have just washed his hands or checked himself out in a mirror. But if it was his feces, I can report that there was no alarm bells in it. Of course, I’m not trained to examine feces.”
Yet Werder’s report has impacted Manziel’s draft stock.
“Let’s say that was Manziel’s shit that Ed searched through,” said a Houston Texans front office source. “Do you really want to spend the No. 1 overall pick on a guy who leaves floaters? You want someone who pays attention to detail and does things the right way. It’s concerning.”
Werder has now been dispatched by an ESPN producer to pick through Jadeveon Clowney’s hotel room trash for signs of laziness or lack of motor.
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