MLB Informs Mark Teixeira He Won’t be Getting Any Gifts from Teams When He Retires

fce6f3a8521324c3fd862ba8a99bdba8New York Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira received a letter from MLB headquarters today letting him know that he should not expect a farewell tour full of gifts from opponents when he retires. 

“It’s time to put all of this to an end,” read the letter, signed by both commissioner Bud Selig and MLB COO Rob Manfred. “Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter doing this in back-to-back years is quite enough and, let’s be honest, you’re also not quite on their level.”

Teixeira is set to make $22.5 million a season through 2016 from the Yankees, but he is 34, injury prone, and hasn’t produced at a high level in several years.

“Maybe the teams can give you a free t-shirt or a discount at their clubhouse stores, but there will be no on-field ceremonies,” states the letter. “Please don’t expect that. It’s not happening.”

Teixeira, who is nursing a stiff wrist, says he was disappointed to receive the letter.

“You start to think every Yankee gets these, and I’ll admit I was hoping to get a farewell tour one day,” he said. “I had already picked out a place in my house where I planned to display the benches made out of bats, motorcycles, guitars and bookcases made out of baseballs. I guess I’ll just make it another guest bedroom now.”

Despite nixing a Teixeira farewell tour, MLB officials admit there will probably have to be one for Ichiro, a far better player than Rivera or Jeter, and one with a huge following internationally.

“Ah, shit. You’re right,” said Manfred. “But still none for Teixeira. Or for Sabathia. And definitely not A-Rod.”

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