ESPN NFL Draft analysts Mel Kiper, Jr. was granted a brief break at the close of the 7th and final round of the 2014 NFL Draft on Saturday night to use the bathroom and eat a bowl of food. But minutes later he was prodded back into his holding cell to produce content for his employer’s 2015 draft coverage.
“Please. Please just give me a day off. Just one day. I beg you!” Kiper was seen pleading and sobbing in a hallway at Radio City Music Hall after the final pick was made. “Don’t do this to me again! Please! I don’t want to do another mock draft!”
But an ESPN producer zapped Kiper with a cattle prod to quiet him and the analyst then dutifully shuffled down the hall, out of the back of the building and into a waiting, caged truck to be transported back to the network’s draft factory.
Fellow analyst Todd McShay was already shackled in the vehicle and appeared to be drugged. He was repeating “Mariota one, Winston two, Mariota one, Winston two,” over and over again and drooling. McShay will have to be on his feet and presentable soon, however, because he and Kiper are due to appear live on the 4:00 a.m. ET SportsCenter to do a pick-by-pick mock draft of the first three rounds of the 2015 Draft.
“Help me! Help me! My live is a bust!” Kiper screamed as the truck pulled away, silencing only when zapped again.
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