Editor’s note: If an internet search has led you to this webpage please note that it is not suitable for younger readers. ESPN is keeping the page internet-accessible pending an upcoming arbitration hearing related to Mr. Kiper’s terminated employment. Letters of support can be sent to Mr. Kiper at the Bristol Mental Health Center, Bristol, CT.
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I’m not kidding, guys. Every time you read through one of my mock drafts you prompt ESPN to make me produce another one. Fresh content, they say, drives traffic. It also drives me crazy.
This isn’t good for anybody. The truth is I don’t have a single shred of new insight to share. The tank has been empty since Mock Draft 18.0, after which I hired some college kid named Trevor to write a computer program to automate all of my subsequent mock drafts. It randomly ordered a group of 32 possible first-round picks and then cut and pasted my old analysis and prefaced it with “Like I said previously,” and “Again.” I got away with it until Mock Draft 68.0 when an update to the code (THANKS, TREVOR) accidentally put QB Blake Bortles in at picks 3, 6, 12 and 24. Now I have to write these godforsaken things myself again.
WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?
Read a book if you’re bored. Learn Transcendental Meditation – it will quiet your mind. At least click over to the New York Times for a minute if you can’t get your hand off the mouse.
Of course you won’t – FINE. I’m cranking this damn thing out and posting it straight to the home page. The editors can kiss my patoot now that Skip Bayless slipped me the administrative login for the website in exchange for a month’s supply of creatine.
1. Team: Houston Texans
Draft Pick: Johnny Manziel, QB
Analysis: Elite player at the college level, but so was Vince Young. Undersized for the NFL, but so is Russell Wilson. I think 75% of his spectacular plays are the result of bad college-level tackling, but what do I know? I only invented an entire industry and am now treated like the Pulp Fiction gimp. I have no idea if this kid will be any good. NOBODY KNOWS.
2. Team: St. Louis Rams
Draft Pick: Jadeveon Clowney, DE
Analysis: As weirdo-in-residence Kenny Mayne quipped at a recent staff meeting, “His name evokes the image of a medieval knight on a white horse, dressed in a suit of armor with a clown wig poking out of the helmet. Just a hint of clown. Clown-ish. Clown-ey.” Sure, whatever. Freak athlete, seems to lack a high motor.
3. Team: Jacksonville Jaguars
Draft Pick: The Little Mermaid, TE
Analysis: Super obvious cross-promotion for Disney to sell 25th anniversary edition of this animated film. How the hell am I supposed to shoehorn this in exactly? Elite fluidity throughout the hips and fin? When you wish upon a star ESPN’s evil parent company bullies you into a crappy contract containing insane promotional requirements and language intentionally vague enough to obligate you to produce an unlimited number of mock drafts.
4. Team: Cleveland Browns
Draft Pick: Todd McShay, ESPN “Draft Analyst”
Analysis: His ineptitude is a perfect fit for this sorry franchise. Nothing elite about his skill set outside of ability to brown nose. If I’m Coke then he’s the generic cola they sell at Costco. Hate is a strong word that I reserve specifically for Todd McShay. The guy was forced on me from day one.
5. Team: Oakland Raiders
Draft Pick: Somebody with a good 40-yard dash time and no intangible skills whatsoever
Analysis: Al Davis’s nonsense philosophy of valuing physical measurable above all else is lingering around this franchise like the stink left by an uninvited guest (e.g. Todd McShay) who stays too long (e.g. won’t do the honorable thing and quit) and punctuates his unwanted visit by taking an inappropriate dump (e.g. producing sub-par and infrequent draft analysis) in your favorite bathroom (e.g. JOB I INVENTED FOR ME NOT YOU, TODD MCSHAY).
6. Team: Atlanta Falcons
Draft Pick: Jake Mathews, OT
Analysis: Like I said previously, the Falcons need to improve along both the offensive and defensive lines. Again, I know a pass-rusher could be the pick here, but Matthews seems like an easy call to bolster that offensive line.
7-22. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA YADA SPPPLLLLLL!!!
23. Team: Kansas City Chiefs of Despair
Draft Pick: Undoing Depression by Richard O’Connor
Analysis: I’m only happy when I orgasm.
24. Team: don’t know
Draft Pick: don’t care
Analysis: i am so tired
25. Team: San Diego Chargers Sen Diefo Chargess Sin Diago CHrrrgaws
Draft Pick: Cocaine (ko-kay-eeen)
Analysis: Just did some and feeling GRAAAAATE!
26. Team: MEL KIPER JR.
Draft Pick: FINGERS
Analysis: I’M TYPING THIS WITH BLOODY STUMPS, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Also see …