The 9 Players at Every NFL Draft

2013-04-26-efishThe Lineman Absolutely No One Cares About

This guy goes very early in the draft, maybe even first and BORING NO ONE CARES THIS GUY DOESN’T GET ANY FANTASY POINTS. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM AND TELL US MORE ABOUT THE QUARTERBACKS STILL AVAILABLE.

How his NFL career will pan out: He’ll be a frequent All-Pro, maybe even a Hall of Famer, and have a career that lasts longer than almost anyone else in the whole 1st Round.

The Guy Who Already Spent His Entire Signing Bonus on a New Watch, Jewelry and Suit

This is the biggest night of his life and he has spared no expense. Unfortunately, he doesn’t yet have an income, so he has no money for any expense. No matter, he’s got a big signing bonus coming in a few months, so he borrowed $450,000 to cover his huge gold watch, diamond earrings, necklaces, rings, suit and the Lamborghini he bought last night.

How his NFL career will pan out: He could be good. He could be bad. He could be average. What is guaranteed is that one day he’ll be broke and doing autograph signings at used car dealerships.

The Guy Jets Fans Boo or Cheer

He’s the Jets’ 1st Round pick and he will be loudly booed or loudly cheered by the Jets fans in attendance, because there is nothing in between. Jets fans don’t really do nuance. No, it’s just strong, uninformed opinions mixed with a complete lack of self-awareness from them.

How his NFL career will pan out: If booed by Jets fans, he’ll probably be very good. If cheered by Jets fans, he’ll probably be terrible. Because Jets fans are morons.

The Guy Wearing a Suit/Hairstyle He’ll Regret His Whole Life

This guy has the trendiest suit, glasses and hairstyle money can buy. Approximately 12 minutes after he is drafted, his suit, glasses and hairstyle will be out of style. After his playing career is over, he’ll look back at his draft night appearance as a mistake and tragedy on par with everyone’s parents’ wedding photo.

How his NFL career will pan out: Who knows. He’ll mainly be remembered as a guy featured in the annual “Most Embarrassing Draft Night Suit Disaster” slideshows on every sports blog.

The Guy Who is Using the Draft as a Family Reunion

His name is called and up onto the stage he goes. Suddenly, he is surrounded by 65 of his closest relatives.  Get out of the shot, Goodell! You’re not part of the family! You’re blocking Gramma Mable!

How his NFL career will pan out: He will have a solid NFL career, thanks in no part to the love and support of his family. Unfortunately, he’ll also go bankrupt thanks to buying everyone in his family cars and homes.

The Guy Who Gives Roger Goodell a Huge Hug

He’s so pumped about becoming a professional football player that he’ll give the commissioner a massive bear hug in his excitement. So what if most NFL players loathe Goodell? This happy rookie love everyone right now! What a moment!

How his NFL career will pan out: He’ll have injury struggles, eventually get cut, then struggle financially due to not having a guaranteed contract, have memory problems his whole life due to CTE and forever wish he had crushed Goodell to death when he had the opportunity.

2004 NFL Draft

The Guy Who Clearly Isn’t Happy to Have Been Drafted by the Team That Drafted Him

He always dreamed of playing in the NFL … but not for this team and he’s not happy about it. He’s got the 2004 Eli Manning someone-pee-pee’d-in-my-Froot-Loops face (but quite that pathetic because no one makes a face that pathetic).

How his NFL career will pan out: He will be horrible, because that’s the only possible outcome for someone drafted by the Cleveland Browns or Jacksonville Jaguars.

The Guy Whose Girlfriend is Trying to Use the Draft to Launch Her Modeling Career

You’ll notice this girl because she is the one hanging all over a draft prospect and wearing a dress that appears to be a bandaid over her vagina that is connected by floss to two quarters covering her nipples. She will not let her boyfriend’s big night go by without at least getting a Maxim photo shoot.

How his NFL career will pan out: He’ll have a great career, driven to succeed by the fear that if he isn’t a star, his lady friend will leave him for someone else.

The Last Guy in the Room

He’s the last player sitting at the draft with his name uncalled. He kills time by sweating, checking his text messages and glaring at his agent. Meanwhile, everyone on Twitter makes fun of him.

How his NFL career will pan out: Despite going later than it expected, in his first year in the NFL he will make more money than everyone who was making fun of him on Twitter will see in their entire lifetimes.

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Also see … 

Shit-covered Ed Werder reports there was nothing abnormal about the Johnny Manziel stool sample he examined

NFL Draft “Expert” Annual Certification Checklist

SP’s 2014 NFL Draft page

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