Few of us ever play professional sports. A few more play in college. But most everyone played sports as a kid. And if it was Little League or biddy soccer, every team had the same seven kids.
#1 — The Coach’s Son
He might not be the most athletic kid on the team, or have the best stats (or any stats for that matter). But he makes up for it with smarts, hustle and determination. This, according to coach, is why he is the team’s MVP this year. Now everyone give him a round of applause as he accepts his plaque.
Typical Position: Point guard, quarterback and shortstop. Whichever position is the most important for that sport, that’s where he is, because this team cannot afford to have him playing anywhere else.
Where He Is Now: The heir to his dad’s construction company, he’s going to run it into bankruptcy within four months of taking over, yet still win Employee of the Month every time.
#2 — The Kid Who Hit Puberty Really Early
He’s got a six-pack, a mustache and a girlfriend who’s a sophomore in high school all by the age of 11. He’s already banged half the moms and beat up half the dads. He’s like Bo Jackson and Jim Brown rolled into one. His fastball hit 80 mph last practice. He’s mistaken for a coach at least once a game. He is the man you want to someday become.
Typical Position: Doggy-style and running back.
Where He Is Now: In his mid-20s, balding and still the same size as he was when he was 11. He’s also still banging high school sophomores.
#3 — The Rich Kid
He’s a terrible, terrible athlete and kind of a dick, but that’s all forgiven because the end-of-season parties at his mansion are awesome. While the other team eats oranges at halftime, your team eats beluga caviar which, “Wolfgang spent all morning making.”
Typical Position: On the economy: The free market will sort everything out. On the soccer field: whichever place best utilizes the new moves his gardener taught him.
Where He Is Now: He’s at Duke majoring in business and minoring in racism.
#4 — The Kid Who Only Wears Jeans
No matter the sport or the weather, you can always count on this kid rocking jeans for games and practices. Sometimes he wears his basketball shorts and his soccer shin pads outside his jeans, which is just the cherry on the sundae. No one ever saw him outside of practices and games, and he said like three words all season. He is, to put it bluntly, the BigFoot of youth sports.
Typical Position: Whichever didn’t require too much running.
Where He Is Now: He leads a double life as a high-ranking member of Hell’s Angels and undercover CIA Operative.
#5 — The Girl
There weren’t enough other girls to field a female team, so she’s on this team instead. She’s better than 75% of the guys, is starting to develop a little early, and to be honest everyone’s very uncomfortable about the whole situation. The kid who only wears jeans now wears his basketball shots over his jeans to help hide his constant erection, and the kid who hit puberty early just asked her for a hand job during a timeout.
Typical Position: Something like second base, not the most important position, but not unimportant enough that she feels bad.
Where She Is Now: On a softball scholarship, an Urban Outfitters model, and out of every former teammate’s league.
#6 — The Weird Kid
His parents, therapist, and invisible friends thought it would be good to get him participating in team activities. He spends the majority of practices eating dirt and the majority of games picking flowers. His primary method of movement is skipping instead of running, and he only answers to “Zanzabar.”
Typical Position: Benchwarmer, which is great because it gives him a chance to add to his splinter and worm collections.
Where He Is Now: A musician, and the object of every hipster girl’s desire. He gets laid literally five times a day. Believe it or not,this is the man you want to someday become.
#7 — The Black Kid
He recently moved to your town, which has a 98% Caucasian population, and everyone is pumped. When he showed up to the first practice, every kid and parent had visions of state championships dancing in their heads. Except when he finally gets out on the field or court, you realize he’s a middle of the pack player. The parents all convince themselves he’s just goin easy on everyone, but it’s to no avail. He’s just a regular kid, and everyone hates him for it.
Typical Position: The next most important position after whichever the coach’s son is playing.
Where He Is Now: Graduated from Yale Summa Cum Laude, going for his Masters at Princeton, and still the biggest disappointment the town has ever seen.
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