#7 — The Desperately Hip Guy
He’s over 50, but he’s down with the def mojo of the times! He’s got hair dye, a Twitter account, dated rap references and lots of creepy comments about females half his age. Many people hate him, but he’s oblivious to that because the only thing he has less of than hair is self-awareness. Get down with O.P.P.!
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: Everything he says is an attempted catchphrase. U can’t touch this, fo-shizzle!
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: High school English teacher … 2 da max!
#8 — The Funny/Outrageous Guy
Often an ex-jock who was known for his wacky hijinks during his playing days, now he’s been unleashed on nightly television and the viewing audience feels like they’ve been kidnapped and taken to the Catskills. What are the kidnapper’s demands? A suitcase full of unmarked puns!
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: To lame to even share.
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Performing at the Chuckle Hut on July 19th and 21st, featuring his shaving cream pie and hot foot-based props!
#9 — The Homer
He sees the world in black and white. On the good side is the home team. On the bad side is everyone else. Everyone is out to get us!
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Well, the good guys lost 10-0 today, but it’s hard to win when the umps are working for the other team.”
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: In his basement bunker, working on his blog full of conspiracy theories.
#10 — The Confrontational Artist
He’ll say whatever needs to be said in order to get himself some attention. If there’s a chance for him to go against conventional wisdom, he’ll take it.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Only an idiot was rooting for the U.S. hockey team against the Soviets in 1980 and here’s why …”
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: Cable news talk show host.
#11 — The Promo Guy
The league barely needs a PR department with him around. Every coach is a genius, every player is All-Star caliber and the game you’re currently watching? Yeah, it’s all all-time classic.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “I know I’d happily have Brandon Weeden quarterback my team any day. He can win in this league.”
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: A politician’s press secretary.
#12 — The Craftsman
He never puts himself above the game. His descriptions of the game are subtle yet evocative. He doesn’t try to create media controversies. And he puts events in their proper context, without resorting to hyperbole. In short, he’s everything a sports TV personality should strive to be.
Approximate Signature Catchphrase: “Viewers, I regret to inform you that today is my last night on the job. My contract has not been renewed.”
Job If He Wasn’t Doing This: About to find out.
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