CBS Panicking After Their Tiger Woods Impersonator Shoots 43-Over 115 at Masters

5012DCBS Sports executives are huddling in a meeting room at Augusta National, discussing how to proceed with broadcasting the Masters tournament after the Tiger Woods impersonator they hired to replace the injured real Tiger Woods shot a 43-over 115 in the first round.

“Apparently this guy’s impersonating abilities end at being a person of color who owns a red shirt and black Nike hat,” said a CBS source. “It looked like he barely ever played golf before. No way is he going to make the cut, and then we’re Tiger Woods free for the weekend. What will we talk about?”

After bogeying the first hole, the faux Tiger Woods took an 11 on the second hole. A CBS staffer could be heard saying: “Oh, shit. We’re screwed,” as the guy’s fourth putt lipped out.

The impersonator, whose name is Glenn Thomas and charged CBS $75/hour for his time on the course, shanked his drive on No. 3 and the ball hit a small child in the face, opening a gash. Around this time, Tiger Woods’ representatives issues a press release saying that the Tiger Woods CBS was claiming to be in the tournament was not the real Woods.

Despite the denial, CBS refused to admit that they were attempting to trick the viewing audience. They even cut a package of “Woods'” highlights for the start of their broadcast on Thursday, featuring the impersonator making an 18-inch putt, hitting a ground ball that skipped out of a bunker, and hitting a fairway with a 195-yard drive.

The fake Woods did not stick around the facility for interviews after his opening round, saying he had to leave to work a birthday party in Atlanta at 8 p.m.

With no real or replacement Woods as an option for the weekend, CBS will likely air a split-screen of live Masters footage and past clips of Woods at Augusta.

“If Phil Mickelson doesn’t make the cut, we’ve already committed to just airing ‘Two and A Half Men’ reruns,” said an executive.

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Also see … 

How to Write a Golf Column About Tiger Woods

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SP’s Golf page

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