This game has everything you want in a season opener: beautiful early September weather blocked off by a depressing dome, two non-playoff teams and who knows starting at quarterback for each team. Pity this game’s winner, who will foolishly believe they might be decent for a whole week.
Week 2: Dolphins at Bills
It seems the NFL is still scheduling games for AFC East teams who aren’t the Patriots for some reason. Friggin’ Goodell.
Week 3: Buccaneers at Falcons
This is the Thursday night game on CBS: two teams with a combined 8-24 record a year ago. It will probably get huge ratings, though, just like all the other garbage CBS airs in prime time.
Week 4: Lions at Jets
If you’re looking for awful football, you can’t do much better than Lions-Jets. They’re perhaps the two most historically embarrassing franchises in professional football (all due respect to the Cleveland Browns).
Week 5: Browns at Titans
It’s no wonder Kentucky is a basketball state. To the north are the Browns and Bengals. To the south the Titans. Let’s go play some hoops.
Week 6: Jaguars at Titans
The Browns visit one week, the Jaguars the next? Why is the NFL intent on killing professional football in the state of Tennessee?
Week 7: Browns at Jaguars
We watch your games. We buy your merchandise. We abide your greed and lies about concussions. And this is how you repay us, NFL? Browns-Jaguars? Screw you.
Week 8: Dolphins at Jaguars / Raiders at Browns
Thinking of doing something one weekend this fall that isn’t sitting on the couch all day watching TV? This is the weekend to do it.
Week 9: Buccaneers at Browns
This is the week of Halloween. This game is the NFL handing trick-or-treaters celery with razor blades in it.
Week 10: Browns at Bengals
So the Browns get a four-week stretch in the middle of the season that is Jags, Raiders, Bucs and the sneakily awful Bengals. It will be amazing to see how they screw this up. Not surprising, but amazing.
Week 11: Texans at Browns
And now the Texans! How is this fair? If everything breaks right for the Browns this year, they could win two or even three games!
Week 12: Browns at Falcons
What. How. To recap: In an 8-week stretch, the Browns get the Titans, Jaguars, Raiders, Buccaneers, Bengals, Texans, Falcons and a bye week. Their “tough” game in there is a home game against the 8-8 Steelers. If Johnny Manziel goes to the Browns, he may be surprised to find his college opposition was tougher.
Week 13: Browns at Bills
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING??????
Week 14: Giants at Titans
Finally. Some NFL-like competition for the Browns in the Colts. So this week’s stink game is Giants-Titans. Although don’t be surprised if it turns out to be quite entertaining, as Eli Manning throws more interceptions in a single game in Tennessee than his brother did in his entire career at Tennessee. History!
Week 15: Cardinals at Rams
It’s on Thursday night, so it will be easier for everyone to ignore. Kudos to the NFL there. (“How can you say this game will suck? The Cardinals could be right in the playoff chase again.” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Carson Palmer is playing in this game. Do you know anything about football?)
Week 16: Titans at Jaguars
♫ On the Thursday before Christmas, the NFL gave to me … a shit-ty game on T-V. ♫
Week 17: Cowboys at Washington
Romo. RG3. The crushing sadness of two big budget teams whose playoff hopes are long over playing for absolutely nothing behind quarterbacks who lead the league in lack of self-awareness. This isn’t a traditional stink game. Because this might be the one game to watch all year.
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