NFL Owners Unanimously Vote to Make More Money by Any Means Necessary

nfllogoThe NFL owners meetings continued today in Orlando, but not before the league’s 32 owners voted to make themselves more money by any means possible.

“Before we voted on smaller bore issues, we felt it was important to establish a broad framework that would inform all of our other decisions,” said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones. “Fortunately, we all quickly agreed that making ourselves more money would be that guiding principle.” 

Jones raised the idea and Washington owner Daniel Snyder quickly seconded it. Minutes later, all 32 owners completed the vote.

“I think it’s just nice to have it down on paper,” said Snyder. “Obviously, the idea of self-enrichment has always driven us, but I think it’s good to make it clear. I just get such a kick out of fans who think we make decisions, or should make decisions, on the quote-unquote ‘good of the game’ or to ‘protect our players’ or to ‘make the fans happy.’ Ha! No. Absurd. Fans are so stupid. We didn’t get into this for them. It’s not a charity. We did it to get richer.”

With that vote out of the way, the owner’s plan today to vote on raising prices on everything, adding more commercial breaks in games and a season ticket-based pyramid scheme.

“I expect them all to pass easily,” said Jones.

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