MLB Mandates 15th Century Battle Armor for Pitcher Safety

unnamed (2)Following Aroldis Chapman’s horrific line drive to the face and another incident with pitcher Matt Moore, Major League Baseball has taken steps to improve pitcher’s safety by mandating the usage of 15th century battle armor during its games.

“Today was a great day in the movement to improve player safety,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig.  “The steps we’ve taken to introduce complete head-to-toe armor will significantly decrease, if not eliminate pitcher’s injuries altogether.”

The battle armor, modeled after Late Middle Ages armor used in times of battle, weighs upwards of 50 pounds and was originally built to withstand enemy lances and infantry weapons.  There have been no reported incidents of baseballs penetrating such armor.

“The moves were necessary and inevitable,” reiterated Selig.  “Sure, we could’ve introduced a hat that might have padding, but what about the rest of the body?  Or the face?  Or the neck?  A padded hat would only be a band-aid on a much bigger problem.  Battle armor fixes that.”

While the armor is still being distributed league wide, some players have already tested the new attire at their spring training facilities.

“I’m not gonna lie, I actually feel very safe in the battle armor,” said Cleveland Indians middle reliever Vinnie Pestano, who’s fastball clocked in at 43 MPH wearing the armor.  “It takes a little getting used to, but in the long run, I think this will be a day that all pitchers will remember.”

“Oh yeah, and the pitcher’s mound will be surrounded by a moat,” added Selig.  “To keep the groundballs at bay.  What the hell, it’s my last year, why not?”

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