Duke Out of NCAA Tournament After Getting Vasectomies

duke-blue-devilsThe Duke Blue Devils have announced that the team must pull out of the 2014 NCAA Tournament after the entire roster decided to time vasectomies with the opening days of the tournament.

“They’re college kids and college kids to stupid things sometimes,” said head coach Mike Krzyzewski. “I wish we had a chance to play for a national title, but it’s obviously not possible or safe for them to take the court with fresh sutures in their scrotums.”

Sophomore Marshall Plumlee said the Blue Devils got vasectomies as a “team-building exercise.”

“Rasheed [Sulaimon] heard an ad on the radio about a place offering vasectomies for the NCAA Tournament,” said Plumlee. “It seemed like a pretty good deal. The other idea we had was to all shave our heads for the Tournament, but we didn’t want to look stupid on TV.” 

Unfortunately, Sulaimon, Plumlee and the rest of the Blue Devils didn’t discover what a vasectomy is until it was too late Monday afternoon after receiving anesthesia at Durham, NC, urologist’s office.

“I thought vasectomies were like a kind of Middle Eastern tattoo or something,” said freshman Jabari Parker.

“I thought we were getting massages,” said junior Quinn Cook. “It was pretty much the complete opposite.”

Plumlee says he didn’t realize what was happening until a nurse said something about “the stitches that will be in your scrotum.”

“By that time I was pretty loopy from whatever they gave us when we got there,” he said. “It was too late to stop it. It felt like a nightmare.”

Hours later, the team left together, walking gingerly and holding ice packs on their crotches. Krzyzewski discovered his team’s season was over last night when his player waddled into practice, many of them crying.

“This is a learning experience for the team,” said Krzyzewski. “Don’t do things without researching them first. You might just get stitches in your scrotum. That’s a life lesson you can never learn too early.”

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