Houston Texans: You can’t believe it was just months ago that you thought this team could win it all. What a fool you were! A fool! You’re still struggling to come to terms with the fact that you don’t know anything about anything. Life is a terrifying mystery. You are lost and alone.
Cleveland Browns: You wish the Colts would eagerly trade for all the rest of your many terrible players, coaches and executives.
Jacksonville Jaguars: You think a creative idea for a uniform would be any type of fabric covering good football players.
Oakland Raiders: All of the losing has discouraged you to the point that sometimes you don’t even have the energy anymore to mercilessly attack and bludgeon fans of other teams.
Buffalo Bills: You totally did NOT roll around crying on the floor while watching Marshawn Lynch win a Super Bowl, no matter what anyone at your Super Bowl party says, okay?
Tennessee Titans: You wish Jake Locker could stay healthy for a full season so you could determine if he’s a bust or just disappointing.
New York Jets: You hope the quality of quarterbacks in the 2017 Draft is good for when the Jets eventually give up on Geno Smith.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You think all Super Bowl broadcasts should have a scroll running at the bottom of the screen throughout the game that says: “The Steelers have won six Super Bowls, which is the most of any team, and the winner of this year’s game will have a long way to go to ever catch them. All hail the Steelers … .”
Miami Dolphins: You wish people would stop bullying you by saying mean things like: “Haha. The Dolphins suck and haven’t been relevant in decades.”
Baltimore Ravens: You’re not exactly sure why Joe Flacco decided to revert to being a mediocre quarterback, but you won’t give up on him because Eli Manning won a second Super Bowl somehow.
San Diego Chargers: You’d happily be a surrogate for Philip Rivers so he could exponentially expand his family if he’d just win a Super Bowl.
Kansas City Chiefs: Getting a coach who can get a team to the playoffs seemed like a great idea a year ago. But now you’re more keen on the idea of a coach who can win in the playoffs, too.
Indianapolis Colts: You are certain the Seahawks couldn’t have won the Super Bowl, because Andrew Luck was supposed to be the first quarterback from the 2012 Draft class to win the Super Bowl.
Cincinnati Bengals: You think if Andy Dalton can just cut down on the Andy Dalton-like plays, this team has a real shot.
New England Patriots: You’re sick of know-nothing, hater idiots who say that dynasties have to win championships more recently than the first term of the George W. Bush administration.
Denver Broncos: You had convinced yourself that Peyton Manning falling apart in the postseason was just a baseless media “narrative.” What a fool you were! A fool! You’re still struggling to come to terms with the fact that you don’t know anything about anything. Life is a terrifying mystery. You are lost and alone.
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