Putin demands that Sochi Opening Ceremonies be “beautiful and artistic” but “not gay”

Putin FODRussian president Vladimir Putin met with officials who are organizing the Sochi 2014 Opening Ceremonies today to make sure the festivities are appropriate.

“We want the Opening Ceremonies to display Russia’s proud heritage. Music, art, literature, ballet, poetry. All of these have figured so prominently in our nation’s history,” Putin told organizers. “And, of course, do all that while underscoring the lack of homosexuals in our culture. No gay stuff.”

Putin, who attended the meeting shirtless, was assured that the Ceremonies would strive for that balance.

“I’ll do the best that I can,” said Yuri Morozov, director of the Sochi 2014 Opening Ceremonies, after the meeting. “Unfortunately, our choreographer and set designer are gay. As is our music director, I think. And many of our dancers. I guess I’ll just find some straight replacements. Maybe Mr. Putin knows of some he can send my way.”

The president also said that he would like to see wrestling depicted in the Opening Ceremonies.

“This is the Winter Olympics, true. But wrestling is a great Russian sport regardless of season. Having men writhe around together, grunting and sweating, will show the world what Russia is all about,” said Putin. “I also want all the male performers to be oiled up so the light glistens off of them and shows their hard, bulging, heterosexual muscles. I’m not an expert at this kind of stuff, but the more opposite-of-gay stuff like this that you can have, the better.”

Putin said he will judge the Opening Ceremonies on whether or not they can make him “erect with patriotic pride.”

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