MLB Approves Limiting Home Plate Collisions: “Unless they involve that a**hole Pierzynski”

6a01310f9ede0b970c019b02147f5f970cMajor League Baseball took a big step in approving player safety this week, imposing rules that would effectively limit the amount of collisions between base runners and catchers, with the exclusion of Boston Red Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, who players will still be allowed to run into at will.

“We hold player’s safety in the highest regard,” said MLB’s chief operating officer, Roy Manfred.  “And we hope this rule will help keep players healthier, longer.  Except Pierzynski, he’s an asshole.  Feel free to keep running into that smug douchebag.”

The new rule, 3.17, specifically states:

A runner attempting to score may not deviate from his direct pathway to the plate in order to initiate contact with the catchers.  If that runner is attempting to score while A.J. Pierzynski is catching, that runner is not only allowed to initiate contact, but required to collide with said asshole.  Failure to do so may result in an out.

Because of the new rule, officials estimate at least a dozen injuries can be avoided this year, although they didn’t count the additional injuries they’re hoping befall Pierzynski.  “If we can break even, we’ll call it a win,” added Manfred.

Pierzynski, a new addition to the Boston Red Sox this offseason, has won the title of “Most Hated Player” multiple times as voted on by his peers, so the decision comes as no surprise.  Even San Francisco Giant, Buster Posey, who’s 2011 season ended following a horrific home plate collision, agreed.

“Following my injury, I was all for banning home plate collisions.  Then last season I had the opportunity to play against Pierzynski’s [then] Rangers.  He didn’t even say anything to upset me really, but he just had this huge, dickish look on his face after hitting a bloop single and I’ve never wanted to harm someone so badly since.”

While officials plan to test the rule out this year, if successful, they’re also toying with the idea of allowing collisions with Pierzynski while jogging back to their dugouts following routine outs.

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