Canada Wins Hockey Gold, Goes Into One of Its Drunken Stupors

canadaCanada won the gold medal in men’s hockey on Sunday, dominating Sweden for a 3-0 victory and plunging the nation’s 35 million citizens into one of its drunken stupors.

“Braaaah wuh dah gullld medah!” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper in an official statement. “Guh Sookie bluuh duh wiiiiiin,” he added throwing up.

Canadians took to the streets after the final horn sounded to drunkenly yell, hug, fall down and happily fight. Others took the opportunity of a drunken stupor to dabble in heavy drugs.

“Woooooooooo! We’re all in a celebratory drunken stupor!” Toronto mayor Rob Ford yelled, riding atop a car through downtown Toronto. “Everyone party!” he continued, tossing crack vials to passersby. 

Canada called off work for Monday and is expected to not be very productive for the next week or so.

“I think we’ll have a pretty big headache,” said a glassy-eyed Ford. “We don’t need rehab, though. We couldn’t have all this success — being mayors of major cities, winning hockey golds — if we had  substance abuse problem.”

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Also see … 

A-to-Z of Why Canada Sucks

Young American Hockey Player Dreams of Growing Up to be Canadian