Brief Descriptions for Each Winter Olympic Sport

ico71

Alpine Skiing

For rich kids who took their family ski vacations really seriously. 

ico61

Biathlon

Oh, yeah? Not a real sport? This rifle says you won’t say that again.

ico63

Bobsleigh

Just some dudes riding a huge phallus. Don’t tell Putin.

ico72

Cross Country Skiing

Because people who are scared of heights and speed need winter sports, too.

ico65

Curling

Kind of like if a decent app game on your phone was made into an Olympic sport.

ico66

Figure Skating

The winter sport loved most by moms around the world.

ico73

Freestyle Skiing

Everyone dies. At least we’ll look badass doing it.

ico67

Ice Hockey

Like the NHL but awesomely Bettman-free.

ico68

Luge

Pray for us.

ico75

Nordic Combined

Because it’s easier to be okay at two things than great at one.

ico70

Short Track Speed Skating

See tiny people turn, push, crash, celebrate. It’s adorable.

ico64

Skeleton

The luge is for pussies.

ico74

Ski Jumping

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Whew.

ico76

Snowboarding

Proving marijuana doesn’t negatively affect athletic performance since the 1990s.

ico69

Speed Skating

You want to make love to our thighs. It’s okay. Everyone does.

- – - – -

Also see … 

Putin demands that Sochi Opening Ceremonies be “beautiful and artistic” but “not gay”

PICTURE: Mexican Olympian has a Mariachi band ski uniform

(thumbnails via)

Advertisement