90,000 Olympic Village Condoms Go Unused: “Athletes just uglier this year”

Trojan_her_pleasureAs the 2014 Winter Olympic games concluded Sunday night, an unprecedented 90,000 condoms still remained unused in the Olympic Village, a fact expert are contributing to the appearance of this year’s athletes.

“They’re just uglier.  Plain and simple.  Lotta uggos this year,” said head researcher of UCLA’s analytical studies, Tim Dale.  “Yeah sure, you’ve got your Lola Jones’ and Gracie Golds’, but for every one of them, there’s 40-50 people with asymmetrical faces that even I would’ve touch.” 

In previous Olympic years, condom shipments as large as 150,000 have gone used in their entirety.  This year’s shipment of 100,000 yielded the most unused condoms of any games, with literally drums of condoms remaining.

Some athletes from prior Olympic games also attended this year’s games, and seemed to agree with the initial research.

“2012’s London game’s were crazy.  Beautiful, fit people everywhere you looked,” said a Sochi gold medalist who wished to remain anonymous.  “People were having sex in hallways, in the common areas, even outdoors.  This year, not so much.  I doubt even 10,000 were actually used for sex.  I saw a lot of ugly people just opening the condoms to see what they felt like.”

When asked the question of whether or not the athletes may have been instead engaging in more unprotected sex this year than in previous years, Dale strongly disagreed.

“Oh, god, no,” he said laughing. “Or at least I hope not.  Otherwise with their athletic genes, but horrible looks, there’s gonna be another batch of hideous Olympians in 18-20 years.  Good luck getting the public interested in those storylines.”

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