The USA is the best at basketball. (Suck it, other nations.) The only problem is that basketball is confined to the Summer Games. Making ice basketball would change that. What’s ice basketball, you ask? It’s the same as regular basketball, except the ball is all-white to look like a snowball. Put America down for Gold.
2. Shaun White Decathlon
Most new winter sports seem to be catered for Shaun White to win them, so why not create an entire Shaun White event? The Shaun White Decathlon would feature 10 things that Shaun White is really good at. So, snowboarding, hair growing, possibly singing in the shower, maybe making a good panini. Who knows. It’s just the 10 things Shaun White has talent in and enjoys doing. Chances are, Shaun White – of the good ol’ US of A – would take home Gold. WOOOOOOO!
3. Competitive Winter Eating
As the world’s fattest country, the United States is awesome at eating large quantities of food. Competitive Winter Eating would feature the typical eating contest delights — hot dogs, wings, etc. — only the food would be left outside for a few minutes before the competition starts, putting it slightly below room temperature. Winter sport! A gold medal sure would look good sitting atop America’s large gut.
4. Ice Bombing
In Ice Bombing, competitors pilot a drone. Points are accumulated by blowing up ice-covered ponds and lakes in and around the Olympic host city. Even if the US didn’t win this — and we would in a rout — seeing frozen bodies of water get blown up would be awesome. Ratings gold. And, more importantly: American Gold.
5. Ice American Football
Real countries, full of REAL MEN, play American football outside in the winter. Any country who disagrees is a pussy country and we don’t want them in the Olympics anyway. As long as Team USA didn’t put Peyton Manning on the team, we’d destroy everyone.
6. Figure Skater Bullying
In Winter Olympic Bullying, teams of bullies wait just off the ice at the figure skating venue and bully male figure skaters and ice dancers from their homeland as they come off the ice. Points are accumulated for hatefulness of homophobic comments and ultimate-ness of wedgies. Russia would probably be the favorite in this due to the homophobic element, but Team USA’s bullying squad could not be overlooked. Heck, we’ve hit a female figure skater in the knee with a pipe here.
7. You Call That a Gun, THIS is a Gun Biathlon
The regular biathlon competition, but none of this lame bolt-action rifle crap. No, in this event everyone is armed with a semi-automatic AR-15. We’ll see if the target is even standing after we’re done with it.
Competitors from various nations stand outside in the cold. Judges determine who has the most freedom. Yeah, it’s the American Free-ze-dom competitors, obviously. Gold, Silver, Bronze. Give us all of them. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
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