If the 2014 Oscar Nominees for “Best Picture” Were About Sports

> on October 19, 2009 in Santa Clarita, California.

American Hustle

Featuring an ensemble cast of white actors, a scrappy basketball team uses heart, intangibles and teamwork to win a basketball championship over an athletic team that happens to be all-black. Critics hail it as “‘Hoosiers’ for an new generation.”

Nebraska

A foul-mouthed football coach from out-of-state struggles to keep his job in the midst of another mediocre season after a tape goes viral of him ripping his team’s fans.

Her

A St. Louis Cardinals reliever falls in love with his phone, specifically with women on Twitter on his phone whose graphic photos he favorites.

Dallas Buyers Club

An egomaniacal football team owner with zero self-awareness spends a fortune on contracts year-after-year despite getting zero results.

12 Years a Slave

An aging free agent athlete tweets late one night that he is unhappy with his contract offer from his current team, and that he has felt like a “slave” during his 12 years in the league. After many people respond by saying that is an offensive analogy, he apologies and tweets that he has had a few drinks and “no offense” and that “people get offended by everything now. Heard of free speech? #smh”. The next day he says his Twitter account was hacked. He ends up accepting the best contract he can get, a one-year deal for the veteran minimum, and is out of the league a year later.

Captain Phillips

A veteran team captain has his team invaded by free agents with terrible locker room chemistry. He does his best to outlast them, but must be rescued at the last minute before the trade deadline by getting dealt to a team with a shot at a championship.

The Wolf of Wall Street

A debauched business man lies, cheats and steals his way to the top of corporate America. He eventually decides he wants to buy an NFL franchise and is immediately and unanimously approved by team owners.

Philomena

A football player invites his teammates to go see a British/French film called “Philomena” with him instead of going to a strip club. He is mercilessly bullied. The team falls apart and eventually everyone ends up getting psychiatric help.

Gravity

In the sequel to “American Hustle,” the same team enters a dunk contest. They fail miserably.

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Also see … 

8 Lines That Would Have Completely Changed Famous Sports Movies

The 25 Funniest Sports Movies of All-Time

The 10 Worst Sports Movies of All-Time

If Famous Movies Were About Sports

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