Vladimir Putin Proudly Opens Sochi Olympic Prison

putin prisonRussian president Vladimir Putin proudly opened the Sochi 2014 Olympic prison today in a special ceremony in which a gay couple and a journalist were locked inside cells.

“It is with great pride and joy that I open the crown jewel of the Sochi Games, the Sochi Olympic Prison,” Putin said before a crowd of government officials and state media. “It is the greatest, most terrible prison in the history of the Olympics.”

Putin, shirtless, then rode atop a horse back and forth in front of the entrance to the prison, firing a rifle wildly into the air.

The Sochi Olympic Prison boasts 15,000 beds, good enough to hold all the Olympic athletes and coaches, as well as all the credentialed media for the Games. The facility dwarfs the nearby Sochi Olympic Village, which is but a tent-like structure filled with a few hundred cots.

“It is my expectation – my hope – that most everyone will be here at the Olympic Prison by the end of the Games,” said a beaming Putin. “If that does not happen, those who are responsible for failing me will most definitely find themselves here.” 

With the Opening Ceremonies quickly approaching, Putin said all but the finishing touches are ready to go. The last major project is the completion of the so-called “Sochi Olympics Net,” a giant net Putin has ordered to be constructed over the entire city of Sochi, which can drop at a moment’s notice, trapping the tens of thousands of international visitors.

“Using it will be the highlight of my presidency,” he added, while hurling a spear at an eagle than flew by, killing it dead. “I can’t believe everyone was so easily tricked into coming here. The fools!”

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