The Chicago Cubs unveiled a new mascot yesterday, Clark, a “young, friendly Cub” who wears a baseball cap backwards and will greet fans as they enter Wrigley Field. It is the team’s first mascot in nearly 100 years.
But while team marketing reps say they’re excited about the mascot and very pleased with the design, the mascot so far has gained zero traction among the highly-coveted 18-to-34 demographic.
“Look at that pervert. He’s not even wearing pants,” said 25 year-old business consultant Mike Tangradi, drinking at a Wrigleyville bar after work yesterday. “I don’t know who comes up with this crap, but it’s not going to get me to any more games.”
Tangradi also said that he hates that Wrigley Field has a face-painting booth.
“Why the hell would I want to get my face painted?” he said. “You should see the stupid designs they have, too. Dragons and princesses and stuff. Speaking of princesses, I went to see ‘Frozen’ yesterday. That movie sucked ass.”
Tangradi’s friend, 22 year-old Matt Thompkins, also dislikes Clark: “If we have to have a mascot, why not just a hot chick with big ol’ tits? I’d go to a game to see that. But a friggin’ bear? Nah, bro.”
Another Cubs fan in the 18-34 demo, pharmaceutical salesman Greg Taffe, age 34, said he sees the mascot as nothing more than a cynical ploy by the Cubs to expand their fanbase.
“Oh, neat. A mascot,” he said. “Instead of paying whatever it cost to create this big, fuzzy pedophile with a foam bat-slash-dildo, how ’bout we get a player who knows how to swing a real bat so we don’t suck so bad. How about that?”
But Taffe’s daughter, 6 year-old Cassie, said she loves the new mascot.
“I want to give it a hug!” she exclaimed. “Daddy, can we go to a lot of Cubs games this year? I love Clark!”
“Shut up, Cassie. You’re an idiot,” said Taffe. “I am so ashamed of you.”
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(photo via Chicago Cubs)