Browns Hire Adorable Stray Kitten as New Head Coach

BrownsFinalThe Cleveland Browns finally filled their vacant head coach position today, deciding on “Brownie,” a stray kitten that CEO Joe Banner found near the team’s Berea facility this afternoon.

“I had been to Home Depot this morning in my truck and I got some day laborers for what I called a ‘rebuilding’ job out in Berea,” said general manager Mike Lombardi. “Anyway, once they figured out that the job was to be the coaching staff of the Browns, they all jumped out of the truck. I was going about 75 mph. It’s amazing they weren’t all killed. Anyway, as I was coming back to the facility, empty-handed, I spotted this kitten in a storm drain. And here we are.”

Team owner Jimmy Haslam says the kitten has the right mentality for the job.

“She, at least I think it’s a she. Anyway, she was in a storm drain, down and out,” said Haslam. “But she didn’t give up and now she is the first kitten head coach of an NFL team. I think that can be an inspiration to our players. We’ve got to scratch and claw our way out, just like a hungry cat.” 

Banner said he doesn’t know much about the kitten’s football philosophy, but said he wouldn’t be surprised if she runs the wildcat offense, to which the assembled press corps laughed.

“What’s so funny?” said Banner. “This team is not a joke. We looked at a lot of candidates and Brownie here stood out from the rest. We don’t want a coach who doesn’t want to be here. And Brownie wants to be here. Good, Brownie,” he added, petting the kitten. “Yes, we’ll get you another bowl of milk. Please don’t leave. Ouch! Don’t bite, Brownie. No!”

“Mew, mew, meoooooow,” said Brownie, struggling to leave the podium while being held in place by Banner and Haslam.

The Browns are not yet sure how Brownie will fill out her staff.

“We’ll look for other strays with nowhere else to go,” said Lombardi. “Maybe stop at the local SPCA, although I doubt they’d give us any kittens. I don’t know. I think the hope for now is that Brownie has a bunch of kittens before next season starts.”

– – – – –

Also see … 

Photo Gallery: The Embarrassment That is the Cleveland Browns

VIDEO: Jimmy Haslam asked if the Three Stoogers are running the team