Bengals Ask Andy Dalton to Dye His Hair

hi-res-hi-res-136535194_display_imageAfter a disastrous one-and-done playoff performance for the third year in a row, the Cincinnati Bengals have asked quarterback Andy Dalton to dye his red hair.

“Look, what we’re doing is obviously not working and we need to do everything we can to get over the hump,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Our quarterback being a ginger could be part of our problem. We won’t know for sure until we see him play with a different hair color. But the fact is, no red-haired quarterback has ever led a team to a championship. There’s no way around that.”

The Bengals have scheduled Dalton for a hair dyeing tomorrow morning at a salon near Paul Brown Stadium.

Dalton’s teammates seem to support the decision.

“Andy is a good guy and a solid quarterback, but sometimes his hair can be pretty distracting,” said receiver A.J. Green. “We’ll be in the huddle listening to him call a play and suddenly you realize you’ve just been staring in wonder at his giant red eyebrows and you haven’t heard a thing he’s said. I just think him getting brown or black or blonde hair could give us a little edge. Right now he’s just so, you know … red.”

Tight end Tyler Eifert says he would play a lot better with a non-ginger quarterback.

“I’ll be honest: Andy scares the hell out of me,” said the rookie. “I don’t know why, he just freaks me out. Well, I know why. It’s his bright orange hair and snow white flesh. It’s terrifying. But I like the idea of him getting a different hair color so I’m not freaked out every second I’m on the field. I think I could relax and play better.”

Lewis said forcing his quarterback to dye his hair is not discriminatory.

“Look, we willingly drafted Andy,” said Lewis. “And that was after we had Carson Palmer and his red beard here. We are one of the only organizations in football willing to employ reds. If Andy was winning playoff games, I’d have no problem with his hair color. And if a strong-armed, can’t-miss ginger quarterback was available in the draft, I’d draft it.”

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