14 Inductees Into the Fictional Athlete Hall of Fame

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BIOA star in wrestling, basketball, football, swimming and track, Slater persevered in the face of simple mathematics by playing five sports in three seasons. He also beat  simple logic: no way anyone could maintain hair like that through the rigors of chlorine, wrestling headgear and a football helmet.

His only wrestling loss in high school occurred when he joined a match halfway through, replacing Samuel Powers, who was not even an official member of the Bayside wrestling team. Slater was disqualified after it was discovered that there were, like, 15 things wrong with this.

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BIOThe first openly Jewish hockey goalie in the history of the sport, Greg Goldberg is proof that if your character is hilarious enough, he can stay on the ice even though it’s pretty obvious the team will lose because of him.

He is the inventor of the “Goldberg Dive”, where the goaltender dives, in slow motion, in front of the net to save the puck. To date, “The Goldberg Dive” has saved exactly 0 shots.

Goldberg maintains to this day that the only reason he let Julie “The Cat” Gaffney play net against Gunnar Stahl was because she promised him an HJ afterwards. And for this reason he gets a Hall nod.

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BIO: Rowengartner was signed by the Chicago Cubs in 1994 even though he wasn’t even close to being old enough for the draft or free agency. But no one seemed to notice or care, as Bud Selig is apparently incompetent even in movies. Rowengartner went on to dominate National League hitters, although his powerful arm caused him to miss three weeks of the seasonafter nearly ripping his penis off while masturbating for the first time.

He re-injured his arm late in the season, but used a “lob ball” pitch to strike out the final batter to win the NL pennant. Rowengartner started Game 3 of the World Series and proceeded to give up 17 consecutive home runs. He was booed mercilessly and never showed his face in Chicago again.

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BIOLed Hickory High to the Indiana State championship with a remarkable 100% shooting percentage for the season. Chitwood had a 100% shooting percentage in every area of his life, as he proceeded to father 15 children by the time he was 19 years old, including three by Myra Fleener. So hot.

Today he owns and operates Jimmy Chitwood’s Slow-Motion Picket Fence Manufacturing Company, which makes and installs picket fences in four times the time it would take someone at normal speed.

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BIO: Air Bud has been described as “the Jackie Robinson of dogs” by people who are racially insensitive and/or play basketball like Jimmy Chitwood.

He joins AC Slater as the only 5-sport athletes in the Hall Of Fame to know what their own testicles taste like. In 1999, Air Bud was put down after being arrested on suspicions of fixing the city championship in exchange for a belly rub.

Will Smith

BIO: Wowed teammates at Bel Air Prep with world class athleticism and dark skin tone. Wore his sport coat inside out during school day. This has nothing to do with sports. It’s just really sweet.

When derided by critics who say he benefited from the 8-foot tall hoops and 20-foot courts of the sitcom world, Smith would simply make a joke about their momma and everyone would laugh and forget the whole thing. And sometimes they’d just dance.

Benny 'The Jet' Rodriguez

BIO: Though he claims he was running from a dog, no visual evidence was secured of the canine and Rodriguez was tried as an adult and sentenced to 10 years in prison for various property violations. This lead to the infamous fictional LA race riots.

“The Jet” stole home while playing for the Dodgers in the twilight of career. It was his first successful attempt at stealing home in 34 tries that season.

Roy Hobbs

BIO: Hobbs had one of the greatest batting eye’s of all-time (which is odd, considering those same eyes somehow saw Glenn Close as sexually attractive). The New York Knights star also possessed a swing so sweet it gave Wilford Brimley the diabetes. He filed for bankruptcy following pennant-winning home run after a New York district court ordered him to pay stadium light repair bills and medical costs for victims of falling glass.

His legacy was tarnished a bit in his later years due to a tell-all book by The Fat Bat Boy Bobby that claimed Hobb’s special bat “Wonderboy” was composed primarily of cork.

Jesus Shuttleworth

BIO: Banged Rosario Dawson on the regular, which is Hall of Fame worthy by itself. Probably the second most famous Jesus in the world, or possibly third if you’re talking to people who are really into “The Big Lebowski”.

Shuttlesworth enjoyed a successful professional career, but only won a championship after being paired with fictional players who look a lot like Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce.

Scott Howard

BIO: His shoot-first, cocky attitude finally settled the debate over whether or not wolves are the assholes of the animal kingdom. They are. But that bird who chirps outside my window at, like, 6:00 a.m. is a close second. GODDAMMIT, BIRD!

A Scott Howard tell-all book revealed “The Wolf” was merely a combination of excessive hair growth due to hypertrichosis and cocaine use.

Today he wears boat shoes with socks and watches History Channel marathons with unbridled energy and swagger as Middle-Aged Wolf.

Forrest Gump

BIO: Proof — along with many other athletes — that being borderline mentally disabled doesn’t mean you can’t play sports. And, thanks to him, any kid in your dorm hall rec center who publicly embarrasses you in ping pong won’t go another day without an embarrassing nickname.

Helped break the Watergate scandal, saved his commanding officer’s life in Vietnam, ran a billion dollar shrimp company, married way out of his league, and yet his most remarkable accomplishment still remains being a successful white kick returner.

Rocky Balboa

BIO: Considered an inspiration to every Italian-American who dreamed of one day getting the chance to beat up a black guy. His most memorable victories came against Apollo Creed and Ivan Drago.

Aside from witnessing his ex-girlfriend make out with Flava Flav in a hot tub on VH1, Drago says his loss to Balboa was his most demoralizing defeat.

Balboa recently retired from boxing due to health issues stemming from a life-threatening gastroenterological disorder which leads to urination of lightning and defecation of thunder.

Chalky Studebaker

BIO: Studebaker’s legend grew as his green skin led everyone to believe he was playing every game with the flu. He was nicknamed Chalky after his grandfather, a known crackhead. Constant pressure from his father to live up to his brother’s accomplishments caused his infamous mental breakdown, leading to the Bluffington Massacre.

Bill Clinton

BIO: Lists negotiating NAFTA as his second greatest achievement behind hitting three consecutive full court jumpshots in Vlade Divac’s grill.

Being featured as unlockable NBA Jam character is actually just one of like 50 similarities between him and DJ Jazzy Jeff.

The Monica Lewinsky scandal broke after a staffer heard Clinton yelling “boomshakalaka” and entered Oval Office to investigate.

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