Johnny Manziel No-Shows at 21st Birthday Party After Getting Engrossed in David Foster Wallace Novel

manziel BITexas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel had planned to go out with friends to celebrate his 21st birthday Thursday night, but the Heisman-winning quarterback never made it to any of the College Station watering holes that were on the evening’s itinerary.

“I didn’t mean to stand them all up,” said Manziel. “But I started in on ‘Infinite Jest’ yesterday afternoon and the next thing I knew it was 4 o’clock in the morning. I lost track of time. But I don’t mind because I lost myself in great literature. I lost myself in art.”

Manziel friends started calling him at 11 p.m. when he didn’t show up at the first bar they planned to hit.

“I called and texted him probably 50 times,” said Nate “Uncle Nate” Fitch. “Around 2 a.m. I finally gave up. I figured he pre-gamed too hard and passed out or was hooking up with someone.” 

Manziel says he didn’t even hear the phone calls and text alerts.

“I was absorbed my Wallace’s beautifully descriptive language and transcendent interplay of complexity and self-description,” said Manziel. “I completely blocked out the outside world and became one with the work.”

While Manziel says he wishes his Aggies had qualified for this weekend’s SEC Championship Game, he feels somewhat relieved they’re not in the game.

“I don’t know how much I’d want to play this weekend,” he said. “As soon as I finish ‘Infinite Jest,’ hopefully today, I plan to plow through the rest of the David Foster Wallace library.”

Uncle Nate admits he is surprised that literature is what kept is friend from going out, but says he thinks he knows the reason.

“Johnny has been really into girls with glasses lately,” said Nate. “I think he’s doing this to try to get some nerd poon.”

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