Great Reasons to Hate All 31 U.S. World Cup Opponents

fifa-world-cup-2014-logoGroup E

Switzerland: We’re neutral! Except when it comes to keeping Nazi gold!

Ecuador: The Galápagos Islands is one of your territories? Nice try. But good Mericans know that nothing has ever evolved, LIARS. If things evolved, why are you still stuck being Ecuador? Exactly.

France: Everything about you.

Honduras: More like HondurASS, amiright?

Group F

Argentina: Tell your Pope to stop dumping on capitalism or we’ll buy you and stick all our poor people there.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Pick a name already. You’re not that important.

Iran: We get FOX News. We know what you’re up to.

Nigeria: Your president is named Goodluck Jonathan? Ridiculous. In America we have presidents with real names like Millard, Grover and Barack.

Group G

Germany: Oh, you know.

Portugal: Port wine is disgusting. How do you exist so close to Spain, France and Italy and still produce garbage wine.

Ghana: Your land area is 88,811 square miles. Christianity is your major religion. Eighteen percent of your land is arable. Your main industry is mining. What is interesting about this information? NOTHING. You are NOT INTERESTING. In your face.

United States: N/A. Or have you moron countries not heard about American exceptionalism?

Group H

Belgium: You are the creators of Brussel sprouts. If you like them, who knows what other disgusting things you’re into.

Algeria: Your country sounds like a disease.

Russia: Seriously? Watch “Rocky IV.” Or “Red Dawn.” The original. Those are basically documentaries.

South Korea: You’re not nearly as welcoming to American diplomat Dennis Rodman as your neighbor to the north is. Can’t respect that.

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