Great Reasons to Hate All 31 U.S. World Cup Opponents

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Group A

Brazil: Maybe Pelé started it, but AMERICANS like Cher and Madonna made the single-name thing popular. Now it’s all Brazil does. Get your own schtick, you pube-less bastards.

Croatia: When you were part of Yugoslavia, you helped produce Yugos, the crappiest cars ever made. You killed a lot of Americans who drove your tin death boxes. Don’t think we’ve forgotten.

Mexico: Our jobs? They took them.

Cameroon: Sounds like a nut or a cookie, right? Mmm. Delicious. But, no, it’s some friggin’ country in Africa. MISLEADING.

Group B

Spain: Penélope Cruz is massively overrated. She looks like a duck. Get over yourselves.

Netherlands: What kind of idiots make wooden shoes? Maybe if you didn’t spend all your time getting splinters out of your feet you wouldn’t be completely irrelevant on the world stage.

Chile: Your sea bass is good, we’ll give you that. But it’s pretty pathetic that sea bass is your best attribute. Fish aren’t even citizens.

Australia: All of your older relatives are felons. It’s going to be a few more generations before we trust any of you.

Group C

Colombia: Cocaine was cool in the ’80s. We’ve got good, American-made meth now. You’re worthless.

Greece: Broke-ass moochers.

Ivory Coast: You are a country that sounds like a soap brand. “Ahh, but Ivory Coast is not our real name. We are Côte d’Ivoire.” Great.  Super. Now you just sound like an expensive soap brand. Congrats!

Japan: You took something nice and wholesome like porn and made it all … weird. You made everyone feel like dirty pervs, you jerks.

Group D

Uruguay: No, you are. Who the hell do you think you are telling us what we are?

Costa Rica: Your dollar is called the “colon.” What a shit country.

England: Most of the world’s problems today are still due to you sickly, documentary-narrating freaks colonizing everything and drawing random border lines. You’ve got nothing to offer the world now, but you are to blame for most of the past, present and future problems. Super work!

Italy: Basically the douchey frat bro of countries.

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