The San Diego Chargers say they are still deciding whether to break the news to rookie linebacker and established moron Manti Te’o that Santa Claus does not magically fly around the world on Christmas Eve night, sliding down chimneys, delivering presents to good boys and girls and, in fact, does not even exist.
“He’s nearly 23 years-old and he has a degree from a supposedly high-quality university,” said Chargers head coach Mike McCoy. “It’s embarrassing that he still thinks there is a Santa Claus. He needs to know. But at the same time, how much disappointment can one guy take?”
Te’o has been giddy with excitement over Christmas and Santa Claus in recent days, hanging a stocking on his locker and writing a wish list of toys on the back page of his team playbook in crayon.
“I want a new Rainbow Loom and Legos and a sleigh bell and a bike and a train set and a puppy and,” said a bright-eyed Te’o before skipping out of the locker room humming “Jingle Bells.”
“God, what an idiot,” said safety Eric Weddle. “I’ve never met anyone as dumb as that guy. But did you see his stupid, innocent face? I don’t know if I can crush his Christmas spirit. I’m not going to be the one to tell him.”
While most Chargers see Te’o as a naive half-wit, others suspect he really knows Santa isn’t real and is using it for his advantage.
“This is the same as how he used his fake dead girlfriend that he never met to boost his Heisman campaign,” said a teammate who asked to remain anonymous. “He’s just hoping we’ll all buy him presents and leave them by his locker Christmas morning. No way. I’m not falling for it. He sucks anyway. I might buy him a present if he wasn’t killing our defense every week.”
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