Nation Excited to See Which Duke Players It Will Despise as College Basketball Season Tips-Off

dukenationalaeThe men’s college basketball season is set to open as millions of sports fans will gather around their TVs to decide which Duke players they will despise with every fiber of their beings.

“I can’t wait to see the arsenal of smug pricks they’ll put on the court this year,” said one fan. “This is like Christmas morning, if Santa gave you nothing but loathsome douchebags.”

“I bet there is one named something like ‘Cameron’ who parts his hair on the side and takes pride in taking charges and his dad is an investment banker,” said another fan. “I hope there is. I would hate someone like that SO MUCH. It would be great.”

Many fans say that hating Duke is really all that keeps them interested in college basketball.

“All of the good players leave for the NBA after a year or two now and the quality of play in college basketball has been atrocious for years,” said a fan of a fellow ACC team. “But year after year, somehow Duke keeps churning out punchable players. They’re keeping college basketball alive, and I hate them.”

Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski essentially guaranteed that his team this year will be completely unbearable, calling them “student-athletes” who “play the game the right way” and chose Duke “to be prepared for life after basketball.”

“Oh, god. Puke. They sound awful,” many thought upon hearing those comments. “It will be so great if they fail at everything in life.”

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