Dolphins Forced to Reinstate Richie Incognito After He Threatens Them with Titty Twisters

incognito newsnomThe Miami Dolphins suspended offensive lineman Richie Incognito late Sunday night for his repeated bullying behavior towards Dolphins teammates, primarily fellow lineman Jonathan Martin. But less than 24 hours after suspending Incognito, they were forced to let him back on the team after he threatened top team officials with titty twisters and other formers of schoolyard punishment.

“I don’t want him back, I really don’t. The guy is a racist jerk. But I don’t have a ton of options,” said general manager Jeff Ireland, protectively clutching his chest while sitting under his desk. “Do you remember titty twisters? I used to get them all the time in 5th grade from Billy Denton. My nipples were sore and purple until 8th grade.” 

Head coach Joe Philbin said he also felt forced to reinstate his lineman.

“I got a text from him this morning that read: ‘tune in tokyo,’” said the coach. “I’ve had my head on a swivel since then.”

Incognito has threatened other Dolphins officials with swirlies and wet willies. Still more he has told he will de-pants them — “underwear, too” — in front of everyone, “so all the girls see how tiny your wiener is.”

Dolphins players say they would happily defend themselves against Incognito, but fear they could be accused of bullying.

“I’d like nothing more than to beat the hell out of him,” said one teammate. “But from everything he’s ever said or done since arriving here, I’ve always assumed he has some sort of, you know … disability. I just don’t think it’s possible to be that dumb and hateful with a functional mind. And I feel uncomfortable beating someone like that up.”

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(photo via)

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