Chubby, Bespectacled Dolphins’ Lineman “Piggy” Killed with Rock to the Head

piggyMiami Dolphins’ lineman “Piggy” was killed today when a giant rocked was pushed on top of his head while he was trying to address his teammates and urge calm following a fight.

Piggy was an intelligent if somewhat whiny teammate, who was overweight and had asthma. He was frequently bullied for this by other members of the Dolphins. When a fight erupted today between Jack and Ralph, Piggy blew the team’s conch and attempted to maintain order. But as he was speaking, Richie shoved a large rock down on him from above, killing him immediately.

“I shoved the boulder on him out of love,” said Richie. “I didn’t know he’d take it the way he did, which was directly to his forehead, shattering his skull and crushing his brain.”

Richie says that while it may seem from the outside that the Dolphins’ locker room has erupted into near-anarchy, it was just a case of “boys being boys.”

“Outsiders don’t understand what it’s like or how we communicate,” he said. “I honestly feel a little bit betrayed by Piggy over this. He reacted in such a dramatic way by dying. I assumed he knew my intent was to make him better, not kill him.”

At press time the Dolphins’ locker room was on fire and the NFL has sent representatives to investigate.

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