8:46 a.m. – Takes bowel movement.
8:51 a.m. – Takes picture of feces in toilet bowl and texts it to all rookies on the team with: “this is what will be in your mouth.”
8:52 a.m. – Notices again how small his penis is while pulling up his pants.
8:53 a.m. – Calls local Ferrari dealer to order another Ferrari.
8:55 a.m. – Turns on his iPad to check all the news on TribalTats.net.
9:05 a.m. – Prepares breakfast.
9:10 a.m. – Injects breakfast.
9:11 a.m. – Drives to the local golf course, leaves teammates motivational death threat voice mails while driving.
9:31 a.m. – Arrives at golf course. Parks across two handicap spots.
9:32 a.m. – Goes into the locker room to get changed and engage in locker room behavior. (Puts bare butt on old man’s face. Laughs. Urinates in the sink. Laughs again.)
9:45 a.m. – Tees off. Hits ball out of bounds. Calls golf ball a gay slur for “not being straight.” Hits ball onto green. Putts out. Proceeds to get on the ground and hump the hole.
10:01 a.m. – Is asked to leave by the course ranger. Takes off shirt. Yells. Flexes. Starts to leave and then sees drink cart girl. Grabs her butt. Says it’s his golf glove doing that, not him. Also, says there is a locker room on the facility, so it’s allowed.
10:05 a.m. – Peels out of handicapped parking spots. Does donuts on first green. Heads off down the highway.
10:13 a.m. – Arrives at nearby pool hall. Removes shirt again. Enters pool hall.
10:14 a.m. – Starts screaming and stomping around. Yells racial slur at 8-ball.
10:15 a.m. – Takes off his sock and puts three pool balls in it. Waves the sock wildly over his head while threatening a waitress for putting too much ice in his Red Bull and vodka.
10:16 a.m. – Drinks a tray of Red Bull and vodkas. Jumps onto pool table, breaking it in half. Calls pool table a “pussy.”
10:17 a.m. – Leaves pool hall. Heads across the street to strip club.
10:20 a.m. – Throws up all over a stripper’s chest.
10:21 a.m. – Texts offensive linemen on Dolphins to tell them he’s at their usual meeting spot and that me misses them.
10:22 a.m. – Texts them again to say that he didn’t intend to sound “gay.”
10:23 a.m. – Breaks a beer bottle over his own head for maybe sounding “gay.”
10:24 a.m. – Pays stripper money to pretend to like him.
10:25 a.m. – Stripper asks if he’s enjoying lap dance. He says “Can’t you tell?” She says “No.” He remembers again that he has a tiny penis. Storms out of strip club and heads for home.
10:48 a.m. – Gets home. Starts watching “A Few Good Men.” Masturbates to Jack Nicholson courtroom scene.
12:24 p.m. – Is interrupted by knock at the door. Opens the door. Is shot in the neck and chest by several tranquilizer darts.
12:25 p.m. – Is loaded into metal crate and then stuck in the back of a large box truck.
4:14 p.m. – Awakens in an enclosure at Zoo Miami. Humps a tree while hurling feces in the direction of the humans looking in at him.
4:23 p.m. – Scratches butt. Smells fingers. Licks fingers.
4:25 p.m. – Picks bugs off of his back. Eats them.
4:29 p.m. – Happily falls back to sleep. Dreams of bullying handicapped children.
7:30 p.m. – Is awakened and told he has been traded to The Cincinnati Zoo for a Bengal tiger. Is shot in the neck with another tranquilizer dart.
11:29 p.m. – Wakes up in an enclosure at The Cincinnati Zoo. Begins paging through Bengals playbook left beside his water bowl.
11:44 p.m. – Notices contact information for Bengals offensive linemen listed in the back of the playbook.
11:45 p.m. – Texts them all that he’s going to defecate in their mouths.
11:40 p.m. – Goes back to sleep.
8:30 a.m. – Is awakened and transported to the Bengals facility for practice.
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