Wholesome Cardinals Fan Publicly Apologizes for Coveting Yasiel Puig in His Heart

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Leroy “Chip” McDougle, a 26 year-old St. Louis general store stock boy, apologized to the citizens of his fair town today for committing the sin of envy — specifically: the coveting of Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Yasiel Puig.

“I take being part of the best fans in baseball real serious,” McDougle said today to the St. Louis townsfolk in town square. “And I sure am ashamed about wanting to have that Mr. Puig on our ball club. And, golly, if you all want me to not be a Cardinals fan anymore for what I have done, well, I sure can respect that.”

McDougle hadn’t openly expressed his desire to have Puig on the Cardinals before today, but said he had briefly thought it would be nice to have Puig a few nights ago while watching a Dodgers game.

“I guess I could have kept this to myself, but it sure would have eaten me up inside,” said McDougle, who has freckles, parts his hair down the middle and wears suspenders and circular, wire-framed glasses. “It was a bad, awful thing to think, because I know our boys on the Cardinals do their darnedest to play good ball for us and they shouldn’t have to deal with their fans wishing for other players. I don’t deserve to be amongst the best fans in America.”

While the gathered townsfolk at first broke into murmurs when McDougle admitted his sin, St. Louis’ leaders – the mayor, the sheriff, the town doctor, the town reverend and the town attorney – huddled near the general store’s porch after McDougle was done talking and decided to forgive the young man.

“You done wrong,” said Elliot “Doc” Clanton, the town doctor and a chairmaker. “But we also believe in forgiveness around here. So we’re going to give you another chance to prove you have the character to be a St. Louis Cardinals fan.”

The townsfolk then broke into patriotic songs and drank sarsparillas.

The Cardinals also announced today that in thanks for their fans’ remarkable support, horse parking will be free at Busch Stadium for the remainder of the postseason.

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Also see … PHOTO: St. Louis Cardinals “Minor League Guy” is on third base

(photo via AP/CourierPress)